As the VISITORS approach the ticket booth, they are greeted by a weathered sign that reads: “MADAME CROCOSMIA’S HAUNTED GARDEN. TOURS DAILY.”

MADAME CROCOSMIA appears

MADAME CROCOSMIA
Oh dear!! Oh me! Finally, the moment I’ve been waiting has arrived, I once again have customers to tour my Haunted Gardens. But ohhhhh!! The tragedy! The unfairness of it all...THEY ARE NO LONGER HAUNTED...waaaaahhhh!!! There was once a time, not so long ago, when I had the scariest, spookiest, most haunted gardens of all the haunted gardens. People came from all around to tour its frightening flower beds, its spooky sod, its perennial poltergeists.

But then, one day, without any warning, my ghosts simply stopped being scary. All they do now is tell jokes. All day long. Instead of trying to make people scream, they only want to make them laugh! The horror!!!! I am the laughing stock of the town. Of the entire community of haunted property proprietors. My friends are embarrassed to be seen with me. Even my cat wants nothing to do with me! I am at my wits end! I am simply mortified that I have no scary ghosts to show you on your tour.

But, you came all this way, and you look like a very kind and useful bunch. Perhaps...perhaps you can help me get make my ghosts scary again? Will you?

To assist me I have retained the services of a Private Detective. I’m told he is simply the best. Come, I’ll introduce you.

Madame C. leads her visitors to the labyrinth, where DETECTIVE J.L. PINKERMAN is pacing the bricks, scribbling in his Clue Book, carefully examining the ground with his magnifying glass—just generally being detective-y. He is so engrossed in his tasks that at first he does not notice the audience. After a moment, his magnifying glass lands on the shoe of a visitor. He is startled to discover he has company.

DETECTIVE J.L. PINKERMAN
Oh! Visitors! Allow me to introduce myself. The name is Pinkerman, Detective J.L. Pinkerman. Private Investigator. Ordinarily, I specialize in missing cats, stolen lawn mowers, and spouses that are up to no good. The usual detective fare. That’s why this strange case caught my eye.

It was a dark and stormy night. That’s a lie. It was a bright and sunny October morning. But that doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, now does it? Particularly when introducing a good detective mystery. And is this ever a good detective mystery. Ghosts that aren’t scary? Who ever has heard of ghosts that aren’t scary.

At the reminder of her ghosts, Madame Crocosmia suffers an emotional fit. She sobs, she wails, she gnashes her teeth. She is, as they say, a hot mess.

DETECTIVE J.L. PINKERMAN
Madame. Madame, please. Madame. Madame, you have company. SNAP OUT OF IT WOMAN! Pull yourself together. It is one thing to be upset and quite another to fall apart entirely. We have a mystery to solve, haunted gardens to save, and I need you to hold it together!

Madame dabs her eyes, blows her nose, straightens her hat—generally composes herself. Although she is now relatively in one piece, she continues to sniffle, dab at her eyes and emit the occasional wail.

DETECTIVE J.L. PINKERMAN
The thing that most perplexes me about this case is why on earth anyone would want to be scared. To pay to be scared? It just doesn’t make any sense.

MADAME CROCOSMIA
The thing is, most people, whether they will admit it or not, enjoy being scared.

DETECTIVE J.L. PINKERMAN
Maaaaaybe. But, the fun sort of scared, right? The kind where your sister walks up behind you and says “Boo!” when you have a mouthful of milk and you scream and spit milk all over the kitchen and maybe even pee your pants just a little bit and it’s all so funny that you both collapse on the floor in a fit of giggles. That sort of scared, right?

MADAME CROCOSMIA
Oh, but of course! The fun kind of scared is the only sort worth paying any attention to.

DETECTIVE J.L. PINKERMAN
Good. Ahem. Anyway, back to the case at hand. Madame Crocosmia has hired me to discover precisely why her previously spooky ghosts up and started telling jokes one day. This is a big mystery, one of the most perplexing I’ve ever come across. I could use some razor sharp assistants to help me solve it. You look like a decently competent bunch. Will you be my assistants?